I Am Still Insecure

How I know:

*The title that initially came to me was I Am Still KIND OF Insecure. Kind of lessened the embarrassment of being plain old insecure. Half naked vs. full-on naked. Vicki and I had a good chuckle about that, which I knew we would.

*I looked up the definition of insecure in hopes it might make what I see as a negative have less sting. Merriam Webster offers “deficient in assurance” and that feels lighter. Less loserly.

*I asked Vicki to hold me accountable to write this, so my plan was, “By week’s end, I need to write a newsletter about being insecure.” Without her asking about it, I would put off the share. The above photo of Vick’s notes makes her laugh each time she sees it–she isn’t deleting that one, she told me.

*I’m resisting the urge to tell you that I don’t normally feel insecure (true) and my confidence grows and grows (true). Ok, I just told you but for the purpose of showing you how I can flash some “nakedness” but quickly dress myself up again.

What brought this on:

Naomi, a fellow coffee drinker at a Brooklyn coffee shop where I had sneaked off for a break, assumed, for no apparent reason, I was a writer. She launched into a conversation about her newly published book and asked about my writing. I felt like a fake. A fake writer.

I offered, “I write children’s books.” While true, I said it to end the attention on me. I figured since this was out of her genre, my response hit the ball back into her court, letting it dribble into the corner. It worked. She served-up being stuck at a point in her memoir.

As I walked back to resume my grandbaby sitting, I saw how the insecurity of not having a book backed by a major publishing house prevented me from having a real conversation that could have led to who knows what. A writing group? Advice? A friend?

Some time ago in a land of achievers, an idea took hold: I am not something unless I do it at a certain level. In a certain way. Like, I am not a cross country skier unless I’m a blonde Norwegian who has medaled at the Olympics.

Why insecurity appears loserly but isn’t:

A large part of our experiences hinge on perspective. My interaction at Playground Cafe led me to uncover the wrong thinking which negates that we all start as beginners, and different ways of being one thing bring us to different spots. There is not one finish line to reach or podium to stand on. Insecurity is natural and neutral. It’s what we do with our insecurity that matters.

Like fear, it lives in all of us. Are we going to let it be the Queen Mother of missed opportunities or NOT?

Anne Hathaway, in a recent interview with the New York Times, shared that around 40 she realized she had been treating life as a dress rehearsal and because it is NOT, she started living more.

Writing about my insecurity shows me that when I name the thing that makes me feel “less than,” that thing clings and stings no more. A sense of humor about myself got me fully over myself. Now, I am truly feeling f*ing confident.

Admitting, laughing, moving forward, gets you out of your own way. You turn into your own best ally.

How does this relate to the cool stuff you want to do? Everything. Your relationships to yourself, others, as well as – you name it – determine whether creative dreams happen or stay deferred.